When Waiting Gets To You..

If you have ever been remotely acquainted with detective fiction, then I am sure you would have come across the line, 'In this job, more than your adversary, it is the waiting that gets to you.' More often than not, the detectives spend an incredible amount of time waiting for something to give while following a suspect or while on a surveillance mission. And it is this waiting that either proves fruitful or snaps the detective in question into doing something really stupid causing further stupid things to happen. So moral of the story, waiting can be your friend or your worst enemy. It can get you results or make you go stark raving mad.

Different moods of waiting?

This is the case in real life as well. After years of experience, I understand that it is not a good idea to make someone wait for more than a certain amount of time. I call this threshold of waiting the snapping point. Different people have different thresholds before they reach their respective snapping points. For instance, one of my friends is so good at waiting that we call him The Buddha. I, on the other hand, tend to be a little impatient. My snapping point is approximately 5 minutes (4 mins 37 secs to be precise). But to be fair, just as I expect that someone should not make me wait beyond my snapping point, I also try to make it a point to not keep people waiting beyond a reasonable limit. Excepting if it is The Buddha, of course. Despite that, my friends say that my tardiness is legendary. But there was a time when I was known for my punctuality. Over a period of time, the total waiting I did for trains, planes, automobiles, ferries and people got to me and I decided enough is enough.

Usually, when I wait beyond my snapping point, the lead idle time I get for waiting is mostly used up in working up an anxiety and an impatience of epic proportions. This eventual build-up is enough to cause me to blow a gasket. So, in order to stay out of trouble, I devised my own counter-waiting strategies. Strategies such as:

• Always plan to arrive approximately 15 minutes later than the appointed time. This saves at least 5 minutes of wait time. Nobody knows you are late because no one would have arrived yet.
• If you have to catch a train or flight, start packing for the trip just about the time you should actually be starting to the  airport or train station. The anxiety of catching your flight or train will overwhelm your revulsion for waiting. Also misplace your passport and tickets. Nothing to beat it.
• If you are stuck in transit, then put your feet up on the trolley and well, wait. I still haven't devised a better strategy for that. If it gets more boring, then instead of you snapping, start snapping pics at random. Like I did of my new footwear while waiting for a flight that was delayed by 8 hours.
• If you are on your way to meet someone, make sure that you make at least one pit stop at a crowded gas station to fill up and check tire pressure or at least get a pack of chewing gum.
• Set your watch so that it runs 12 minutes slower. 
• If you are on your way to a party or function, make sure that you DON'T factor in the time for buying the present. That way you get to spend some quality time in the gift shop.
• Make a quiet entrance if the party is already in progress. That way in case if the host spots you, you can always say that you've been there for a while mixing with the crowd. Saves you a lot of trouble.
• Just in case you do end up arriving later than the rest, and get caught, make sure you think up of a good excuse or reason. For example, a letter from the President stating that you had to take a detour to save the world, a medical certificate from a dentist stating that you were given too much laughing gas and so couldn't drive, a speeding ticket, ticket for jumping the signal, etc. Usually, a ticket for speeding or jumping the signal should do.
• In case you are driving and lost, check for directions on your smartphone in areas where reception is at best spotty.
• Do not iron your shirt or shine your shoes in advance.
• Last but not the least, do not plan. 

Put your feet up on the trolley and well, wait.

So far, these strategies have worked like a charm for me. Perhaps, in future, I might add some more to the list. But for now these seem to be working fine and I hardly get to wait for others as much as they have to do for me. As a result, they are saved from seeing my uglier side. On the flipside I'm getting to see theirs. That's OK 'cuz I'm saving approximately 4' 37" on my clock :-) On that note, I'll take leave. The Buddha has been waiting for me. Since yesterday.

Dressed for Work

Very often, I succumb to this terrible habit of not dressing up (or accessorizing as they call it nowadays) or behaving according to my regular day job requirements. And if I am not at work, my dress sense takes a either lateral shift or goes a few notches further down the style ladder. Not surprisingly, people often get confused about what I do for a living. 

As a result, till date people have mistaken me to be an intern, a courier boy, an academic, an event manager, a VJ, a writer and even my Dad's chauffeur (much to my amusement and my Dad's chagrin). And since I am courteous to a fault (or maybe because there is a practical joker hidden in me somewhere), I try to maintain the charade for as long as I can. And at the end of it, if I get discovered, everybody goes home having a good laugh. Needless to say, every unusual profession I took up temporarily turned out to be an interesting assignment in its own way. 

For instance, once on a flight, a lady co-passenger in the seat next to me asked, "Excuse me, but are you an event manager of some kind by any chance?" I thought to myself, "At least not till you mentioned it a moment ago. But go on." So for the rest of the flight, I was this failed-artist-turned-event-manager who had been turned down by studios because he didn't have a godfather and so now he was aspiring to host big ticket events in cities across India someday. I also talked about how unusual my routine was as an event manager compared to her high-paying IT job (she told me so and she looked every bit a software engineer she apparently was). I told her how I had to go about managing everything and everyone right from the stage carpenters to the incompetent but highly temperamental artists who felt that the world kissed their feet whenever they came on to the stage. By the time the flight landed, the lady was really feeling sorry for me for being in such a thankless profession but promised that I would be the first person she'd call if in case she needed any event to be hosted in future. Thankfully, so far, I have not received that call. Maybe my gripes about my profession made her rethink about hiring me. Or maybe she could afford a better event manager.

Much later, when I tried to figure out where she had gotten this outlandish idea - of me being an event manager - from, I was clueless. Was it my unusually long hair for a guy thing (usually copyrighted by rockstars)? Or was it my psychedelic tee (which happened to be a gift from a person who didn't like my choice of wardrobe) and torn jeans? Or was it that long and irritatingly loud phone conversation I had had with a co-worker of mine about a team outing while I was waiting to board the flight which I guess half the people in the airport lounge had heard that day? It could have been a combination of factors. I don't know. Perhaps, some day, I will. 

Then there was this other time when a neighboring apartment resident's mail accidentally got delivered to us. Since the apartment number happened to be the same as ours it landed in my hands. Being the good neighbor that I am, and considering that the cover indicated that it was an important letter enough and not just any other mail order catalog, I dutifully went down, knocked on the neighbor's door and handed over the letter. Before I could say anything about the mix up, the lady asks me, "Hey courier boy, don't you need some signature or proof of receipt for delivering the letter?" Well, yes, she had a point. But since I didn't need that receipt, I just said, "No ma'am, we have gone hi-tech now. All we need is a pic of you holding the mail which I can show to my manager. That should do the trick." And I whipped out my mobile, asked her to pose with a smile holding the letter, took the pic, Thanked her and walked off. So much for good neighbors' service. But I sometimes wonder if she still asks courier boys, 'Why do I have to sign this? Isn't taking a pic as proof of receipt enough?' Poor devils.

Did I tell you the one about my being mistaken for my Dad's chauffeur by his friend? As I was waiting near our car to pick up my Dad, an acquaintance of his walked up to me to offer me a job as his driver. Poaching on your friend's driver? Not a good idea. Naturally, as a principled and loyal 'employee', after some negotiations I resisted the offer, though it was tempting. He felt so good about it that he later brought it up with my Dad. The joke somehow did not go well with my Dad. 

On another occasion, a casual conversation with a very experienced, well-learned and elderly academic about poetry and literature coupled with my premature grey mop of hair led him to believe that I was an academic myself. Fortunately, better sense prevailed on me and I told him in time what I really did for a living. He was surprised and we had a good laugh about it, though secretly I enjoyed his assumption as a compliment. Well, whatever be the case, never incur the wrath of academics. Sometimes, unlike in this case, they don't tend to have a good sense of humor to understand a good joke, especially if they are the butt of it. All in all, it ended well.

Looking back, I could tell you about some more such incidents but then I would only be boring you. I am realizing now how easily people judge you and assume things about you based on the way you dress and behave. I'll have to admit that even I do that many a time. Nevertheless, it is not easy for me to always live up to or down their expectations. But when I can, I try. Just for the heck of it and as long as it does not go beyond a silly prank. After all, keeping a day job and still not looking it takes quite a bit of effort.

To-Do's of Change

My usual routine goes something like this: being a couch potato after work, a couch potato on a weekend and a couch potato in between the things I am usually supposed to do but I usually don't. Let's just say that I am the perfect living version of Dagwood Bumstead. And my couch is my constant companion in all my adventures (or lack thereof).

But earlier this year I heard someone say, "This year I want everything to change." On a normal day I would have shrugged it off and left that someone to initiate the changes while I went back to my routine. But on that day, something was wrong. Looking back, I am not sure why but at that instant, the statement made a lot of  sense to me. And so, obeying to the strange command like the Manchurian Candidate, I abandoned my couch and started to work on "This year I want everything to change." But I was still sane enough to rephrase it to "This year I want something to change." Now it felt better. And doable.

So, like that title character whatshisname from 'My Name is Earl', I drew up a detailed list of to-dos I planned to strike off hoping that in the process I would also improve my karma.

So what did I do? Its a long list but let me pick a few high points. To begin with, I started off with working on my worst fears. Of which one happens to be taking an exam. I must say that it has been a while since I last wrote an exam and so going back to the exam hall made me relive all those heebie-jeebies I used to have. But this time, strangely enough, a sense of calm and confidence I had acquired over the years kind of offset those scares. After all, it was just an exam. All I had to was give the paper my best shot and forget the rest. And I loved it. In hindsight, going back to school was definitely not a bad thing. Result notwithstanding. Moral of the story, never take an exam as if your life depended on it. Rather take it as if there are better things you can do in life than taking an exam. A certain amount of disdain always helps.

After that, to cool off the exam heat, I took to swimming. Yup! Finally! Considering that I am totally scared of water, I can proudly say that this is one of the biggest breakthroughs I made this year. Thanks to a good but persistent friend of mine. That's what good friends are for. To push you into a 6-feet pool when you least expect it. Needless to say, it felt good to conquer one fear after the other.

Two fears vanquished, I needed a break. So I traveled. And then I traveled again. Traveled to places I didn't think I would travel to. Not the kind of places they list in 1000 places to see before you die but still places worth traveling to. These places had been lingering in my travel list for a while and  I wanted to strike them off the list before I forgot all about them. Or the travel list in which they lingered.

In course of one such travel, I came across a beach and did something I always wanted to do when I hit a beach. I threw a message sealed in a bottle into the ocean. I am still waiting for whoever receives the bottle to message me back. Provided he/she understands my scrawl, that is. By sheer coincidence, a message in a bottle also happened to be on my to-do list. That's another to-do struck-off. For a while it was hard to believe that I was striking off to-dos at a breakneck speed. Well, what can I say? When it rains, it pours.

Anyways, I also struck off a few other minor things such as overcome fear of dancing in public, see a gorilla in flesh, watch all the 23 Bond movies, etc., etc. but that's for another day. Now its December and despite my best attempts, my to-do is still far from done. But the things I struck off the list gave me a lot of satisfaction. While crossing off those things, I was also able to overcome my worst fears in the only way I could. By facing them. 

So looking back, I must say that this year has kept me a bit busy. It has also made me realize that it IS possible for a guy like me to make better use of my daily quota of 24 hours. Even if I am not Jack Bauer (from '24'). Which is good news. However, before I forget, there were some downsides as well. I am no longer in sync with the plots of half the TV series I used to watch. I don't even remember the names of the characters who I used to think were permanently etched in my memory. But that's besides the point. In order to do something new, you need to get rid of something old. Especially when it comes to acquiring new habits. I learned this from some TV sitcom. I think 'My Name is Earl' it was. Who says TV sitcoms are shows about nothing? You can learn from them too.

And that my friends is what this year has taught me. And fetched me some good karma in the process. I hope. I think I will retain that list for the next season to strike off some more to-dos. Thanks Earl. And Thanks to that someone who said, "This year I want everything to change." Okay, now moving onto the next on the list, grow a mustache :-{